We Almost Lived in a World Where Jeff Goldblum Was the Voice of Apple’s Siri
We don’t really need further evidence that we are living in a total nightmare (or an alternate timeline, if you’re one of Those People), but then a piece of news comes along that forces us to confront the true horror of reality by offering a painful glimpse at a beautiful life that could’ve been — and never was (at least not in this timeline, if you’re one of Those People). Today, it’s the heartbreaking revelation that Jeff Goldblum — national treasure, king of the silver foxes and master of the universe — could have been the voice of Siri on your iPhone. In the mournful words of the wise Adele, WE COULD’VE HAD IT AAAALLLLLL.
Look, you don’t need me to tell you that things could be so much better right now. Unfortunately, it’s not any less upsetting to hear it from Jeff Goldblum. The actor recently appeared on Australia’s Today Show (via Esquire), which, by the way, should probably change their slogan to “as seen on that one episode of The Leftovers — you know, in that scene that wasn’t part of some mentally ill dude’s existential fever dream.”
In a revelation that could easily send you into a grueling emotional downward spiral worthy of The Leftovers, Goldblum says he could’ve been the voice of Siri — or whatever Siri would’ve been called if it were voiced by my imaginary husband:
Steve Jobs called me up a few decades ago to be the voice of Apple. That was early on, and I did not know it was Steve Jobs.
I don’t know if we’re at the forgivable stage just yet, but it’s understandable: Imagine Jeff Goldblum receiving a phone call in the ’80s from some rando in a turtleneck — but how does Goldblum know this guy’s wearing a turtleneck? It’s a turtleneck. Those things insist on being acknowledged. He can practically hear it. Anyway, Goldblum gets a phone call from this turtlenecked stranger asking him to be the voice of some sort of computer system. It’s, like, 1985 probably, and Goldblum’s on the set of The Fly, so he’s already terrified of computers, and this guy is saying his name is “Steve Jobs,” which sounds like a fake name. Goldblum probably thinks he’s being pranked, and begins plotting his revenge on Geena Davis.
Meanwhile, we could have lived in a world where you ask your phone to tell you where the nearest public bathroom is and instead of hearing a pleasant but vaguely authoritative woman, your phone responds with the awkwardly angelic voice of Dr. Ian Malcolm. This is a tragedy.